Nobody warned me that some of the hardest parts of motherhood weren't the sleepless nights or the endless diaper changes.
They were the expectations.
Social media, Hollywood, and your own imagination create a picture in your mind of what life with a newborn will look like. You imagine yourself sitting in a beautiful nursery with perfectly folded blankets, gently nursing your peacefully sleeping baby while your husband cleans the kitchen and brings you a calming cup of tea.
Then reality arrives.
One of the reasons life with a newborn can feel so difficult is because the picture in your head gets hit with a hard dose of reality.
Having more realistic expectations can help you enjoy those first weeks and months postpartum so much more. In this article, I'm sharing five unrealistic expectations I had as a first-time mom and the realities I encountered instead. Every experience is different, but my hope is that by learning from my mistakes, you can avoid some of the disappointment that comes from unmet expectations.
This expectation was so astoundingly ludicrous that I was—and still am—mad at social media for feeding me this lie. I couldn't believe the videos I saw of women going for runs and exercising for two hours before their baby even woke up. I found that content incredibly hurtful because it made me believe that this was something I could—and should—be doing.
I was also frustrated by all the medical websites that said I would be "recovered" after 3–6 weeks. I don't think my stitches were even gone at six weeks! It wasn't until three months postpartum that someone finally explained why high-impact exercise isn't recommended until your abdomen has had time to heal properly.
I've always considered myself a healthy and disciplined person. I thought that if I exercised and ate well, I'd be back in shape in no time. I even assumed that moms who struggled with postpartum weight were simply not trying hard enough. Looking back, I couldn't have been more wrong.
The reality is that many women aren't struggling with their weight—they're struggling with the expectation that their body should return to its "normal" state immediately. What's actually normal is for your body to hold on to some extra weight for quite a while after giving birth. Your body has just spent nine months growing a human being. Healing takes time, especially when you're surviving on broken sleep and caring for a newborn around the clock.
To be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your body if you don't lose all the weight right away. Three months postpartum is not the time to be dieting, fasting, or exhausting yourself with intense exercise. It's a time to rest when you can and nourish your body with healthy food, vitamins, and electrolytes.
"Getting my body back to normal" was such a heavy expectation to put on myself during one of the most challenging seasons of my life. Instead of focusing on caring for myself and my new baby, I spent far too much time worrying about how little weight I had lost. I was telling myself I was fat and unattractive when I should have been proud of myself for bringing a human being into the world.
If I could encourage you with one thing, it would be this: focus on rest and nourishment during your first year postpartum. There will be plenty of time later for intense workouts and weight-loss goals. Right now, your body is doing the important work of healing.
I found this reality incredibly frustrating at first, but once I made peace with my body and my limited abilities, I became so much happier. I learned how to rest without feeling guilty—a skill I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to master. After all, muscles can't get stronger if you never give them time to recover.
For whatever reason, this was really important to me right after my son was born. I remember spending hours folding hundreds of burp cloths and carefully packing them into the cute little storage box I had bought for them. I had seen so many beautiful nursery photos on Pinterest, and I wanted my son's room to look absolutely adorable all the time.
One of my biggest regrets from those first few months postpartum was spending so much time cleaning—or getting upset when the house wasn't clean. All it did was steal my joy and put my husband on edge. My body was in so much pain, and I was exhausted all the time. Looking back, I wish I had spent more of that time resting or doing something that was life-giving to me.
Honestly, I don't think I've folded a burp cloth in a loooong time.
To be fair, there is a part of my brain that feels much more at peace when the house is clean, and I don't think that should be ignored. If having a tidy house helps you feel more relaxed, I would absolutely recommend asking your husband, your mom, or a friend if they could help out when they have time. (I have SO much respect for all the single mamas out there. I genuinely don't know how you do it.)
What I wouldn't recommend is cleaning to impress other people. Your house does not need to look Pinterest-worthy before someone comes over to meet your baby. In my opinion, the only time you should be cleaning during those early weeks is if it's something you genuinely want to do and actually find relaxing. (Once in a blue moon, I feel that way.)
Looking back, I think part of my need for everything to be clean and perfect came from wanting to prove—to myself and everyone else—that this whole motherhood thing was easy and that I could do it all on my own.
The reality was that some days I couldn't even get dressed after a shower because my baby needed me RIGHT NOW.
As much as we can have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, we can also have unrealistic expectations of the people around us.
One thing I learned very quickly is that people are not automatically going to do things the way you would do them. They have their own experiences, opinions, and ways of caring for a baby. If you've never communicated your expectations, they may not even realize they're disappointing or frustrating you.
I found it helpful to pause before saying anything and ask myself one question: Is what this person is doing actually hurting my child? If the answer was no, which it normally was, I would try to let it go. Sometimes it was worth speaking up, but often it was better to simply be thankful that someone was helping.
On top of that, I was completely unprepared for how protective I would feel after my son was born. I didn't want anyone holding him—not even my own mom or my husband. I was constantly worried that someone would drop him or do something wrong.
I would get upset when people did little things differently than I would have, but I often had to remind myself that my baby was safe, loved, and well cared for. If my husband didn't diaper the baby exactly the way I would have done it, our baby was still OKAY. My husband had his own way of doing things, and neither of us was the ultimate expert.
What made this even harder was that I had spent all day learning and caring for the baby while my husband was at work. By the time he got home, I had already developed my own routines and preferences. Meanwhile, he was trying to learn everything while I lurked around the corner, silently judging his every move.
Some of the best advice a friend gave me was this: take a shower while your husband watches the baby.
Not because you desperately need a shower (although you probably do), but because both your husband and your baby need the opportunity to figure each other out without you hovering nearby. And honestly, you probably need the break to
This expectation was one of the most frustrating for me.
The number of family members and complete strangers who told me to "enjoy every moment because they grow up so fast" was unbelievable. While that sounds like good advice, it often left me feeling guilty whenever I wasn't enjoying every moment of new parenthood.
Looking back, I wish someone had told me this instead: if you still have stitches, it's okay if you're not having the time of your life.
While those first few months are incredibly precious, my husband and I were often counting down the days until our little buddy could sleep for longer than two-hour stretches. When you're exhausted, it's hard to have a positive outlook on anything.
On top of that, your hormones may be crashing and playing tricks on you. You might feel sad, angry, overwhelmed, or anxious for no obvious reason. Even without the hormones, you're going through one of the biggest life changes you'll ever experience.
It's normal to grieve parts of your old life while still being grateful for your new one.
For me, one of the hardest things to process was realizing that the life my husband and I had before our son was gone forever. I loved our old life. I loved the freedom, the spontaneity, and the time we had together. That didn't mean I regretted having a baby—it just meant I was grieving a season of life that had come to an end.
It's okay to celebrate something new while mourning something old.
I remember finally getting a date night with my husband and spending most of it crying. I wasn't unhappy. I think I had just been holding everything together for so long that it all came pouring out the second I had the chance.
There were also moments when I felt regret—not because I regretted my son, but because I missed how simple life used to be. Sometimes I found myself thinking, What the heck have we done?!
And honestly, I think that's more normal than people like to admit.
There were even times when I felt resentment toward my baby or didn't feel particularly connected to him. Whenever those feelings showed up, it was usually a sign that I was completely exhausted and desperately needed a break.
I learned to treat those emotions as information instead of evidence that I was a bad mom. They were signals telling me that I needed rest, time with my husband, time with my friends, or simply a few hours to myself.
If you're feeling some of those same emotions, don't automatically assume something is wrong with you. Sometimes it just means you've been awake every two hours for weeks and could really use a nap.
One of the biggest expectations I had to let go of was the idea that I would still be able to cook for my husband and me every day.
Even though I had prepared freezer meals and received plenty of food from friends and family, I still believed that, as the mother, I should be serving a beautiful homemade meal every evening. Thanks again, Pinterest.
To be clear, this is not something you should expect from yourself during the first few months after having a baby.
Feeding a newborn takes up a HUGE portion of your day—and your night. There were so many evenings when I had a meal planned and was ready to start cooking at 4:00 p.m., only for my baby to begin feeding and continue for the next hour.
And believe me, when he was finished, I was exhausted.
Breastfeeding is hard work.
I often felt like a failure when I couldn't get dinner on the table. Sometimes I would start cooking and my husband would have to take over halfway through. Other times, I would be frustrated with myself because all I seemed to do was feed the baby and take naps.
What I didn't understand at the time was that my body wasn't just feeding a baby—it was also trying to heal. Every bit of energy I had was being poured into keeping another human alive while recovering from pregnancy and birth.
Looking back, I wish I had simply let my husband figure out what we were having for dinner.
I wish I hadn't been so hard on myself.
If I could do it again, I would spend less time worrying about everything I wasn't accomplishing and more time appreciating what I was accomplishing. Nourishing a baby is important work.
Eventually, my son started taking more predictable naps, feeding became less constant, and I was able to do more around the house. But during those early months, I often told my husband that I had done "nothing" all day.
The truth is that I hadn't done nothing.
I had spent the entire day keeping another human being alive.
And when you put it that way, that sounds like a pretty productive day.
The breastfeeding season is so short. Looking back, I wish I had given myself more grace and appreciated those moments a little more while I was living them. If I could do it all over again, I would have just thrown a good movie on and relaxed on the couch while holding my precious little baby boy.
If there's one thing I hope you take away from this article, it's that you don't need to be perfect to be a good mom.
Your laundry doesn't need to be folded. Dinner doesn't need to be homemade. Your body doesn't need to bounce back overnight.
Right now, your job is to heal, love your baby, and ask for help when you need it.
The newborn stage is beautiful, but it's also hard. Give yourself grace. The dishes can wait.
And if you're sitting on the couch in yesterday's pajamas, holding a baby who refuses to sleep, wondering if you're doing any of this right—you probably are.
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